a cute toaster

My brother bought our Dad a puppy for his birthday. She’s a Bichon X Shih-tzu, and her name is Abby. She’s cute. She’s a big furball though - she’s the kind of dog that needs grooming and ear plucks. A little high maintenance, but my Dad just adores her.

When it was time for her to get spayed my Dad brought her to the clinic I work at. He hasn’t had a puppy in a while and he was worried about his little girl. She did fine, no problems.

Until:

(Veterinarian) “You need to talk to your Dad about cleaning Abby’s vaginal folds regularly. Her folds have a lot of hair around them, and dirt is getting trapped there.”

(Me) “You want me to tell my Dad he has to clean his dog’s vaginal folds?”

(Veterinarian) “Yup.”

(Me) “Would you be able to tell your Dad this with a straight face?”

(Veterinarian) “Oh hell no, and he’s a pediatrician! Haha, it’s going to be such an awkward conversation!”

Gee, thanks!

A helpful comment from my (male) boss: “tell him that her lady garden needs tending!”

Honestly, where does he come up with this stuff?

So off we go with the groggy Abby in tow. We arrive at my Dad’s where he fusses over her, and she scolds him for her horrible day (no breakfast! vet clinic! shaved belly!)

In my head I had pumped myself up for this conversation. I’m a professional. I’ve looked total strangers in the eye and talked to the about vaginas, anal glands, and penises. I’ve used the word “scrotum” while talking to an eighty-year-old man. I have the training and knowledge to handle these kinds of situations with aplomb and grace. I’ve had the uncomfortable conversations trying to discern exactly where “down there” the problem with their pet is.

(Me) “Dad…uh, you need to clean Abby’s vaginal folds.”

**silence as this sinks in**

(Dad) “What?”

(Me) “You. need. to. clean. Abby’s. vaginal. folds. She, uh, has too much hair.”

(Dad) “I need to clean…?”

(Me) “Around her vagina. It’s normal, she’s just really furry. And the dirt, you know…”

(Dad) “….Oh.”

(Me) “Maybe the groomer can do it for you?”

(Dad) “Yeah. Yeah right, that’s while I’ll do. I’ll ask the groomer to-” (the thought of explaining this to a stranger silences him)

(Me) “Or you could just use some soap and water and do it yourself.”

(Dad)”Yeah. Yeah that sounds…easier…”

I never want to have a conversation with my Dad again that contains the words vaginal folds, dirt, hairy, or fuzzy.